3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just threw up on my dentist
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
