I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
