the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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