I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
