I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
