I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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