You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
