considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
