In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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