omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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