just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
