I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
