My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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