if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
