At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
