Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
