Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
