My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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