remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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