In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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