don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
