Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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