Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
