she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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