I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
