chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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