Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
