You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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