Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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