He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
