All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
