If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
