I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
