he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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