I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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