so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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