I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
