She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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