also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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