I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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