i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
