just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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