thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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