textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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