So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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