sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
