At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
