grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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