You just made me feel so damn special
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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