that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
